The unimaginable happens
And you hear it in her voice
And I, I'm chosen to give her hope.
To fix what seems can never be restored.
But me?
Who am I to enter such a chamber?
Love. Does it really have power
To the one who believed a love that brought hate.
A heart shredded in two
Pieces that shriveled to be forgotten.
Yet I see a speck.
Hope in her eyes that maybe.
Maybe there is love.

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair....instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs"
Isaiah 61:3,7

Week one of Half Marathon Training

Go Zebras!

The Journey to the Promise Land

The Journey included walking through the Wilderness to possess the Promise Land.

Yet the Wilderness was not without His presence and provision - a cloud and pillar of fire to guide their steps - to keep them cool in the day and warm at night.

But they grumbled and wanted to go back to Egypt. To slavery. To a place where the heavy loads would never cease.

How often do we follow their example? We want to go back to relying on our own strength, reputation, and finances, rather than resting and trusting in God's provision, presence, and love. Yet by depending on ourselves, we create unwanted stress, worry, and fear. We tirelessly strive to get out from under this heavy burden, but the moment God brings us to a place where we must rely on Him, we beg Him to allow us to go back. Yet God knows that when we learn to trust Him, it brings us the greatest freedom we could ever have.

May we believe that He WILL sustain us in the Wilderness, and that we will find FREEDOM in letting go of control.

Moses' Song

I'm on a journey
And I don't know where I'm headed
But I'll keep a walkin'
Until you show me the Promise Land.

Feelin' lost and confused
Oh wait, I am lost... lol (did Moses say LOL?)
And I'm tired of walkin'
Cause it feels you forgot me here.

I'm on a journey
And I don't know where I'm headed
But I'll keep a walkin'
Until you show me the Promise Land.

The sun has left me parched
And my feet are a hurtin'
The crew behind me
Keep a mumblin...

I'm on a journey
And I don't know where I'm headed
But I'll keep a walkin'
Until you show me the Promise Land.


~Part of the lyrics to a song that Moses probably sang for a couple of years.

(This is still in it's rough draft form....)

Run for the Dream

You can follow my half marathon blog at

http://learningtoflyyy.blogspot.com/

Run for the Dream

Today. Today I started training for a half marathon. This is crazy, even for myself. However, my life has already changed drastically in the past month...I was told that I could not work at my job after June 1 and my boyfriend and I broke up all within a week apart. I've started looking for jobs all over the state of Virginia. The concept of moving within 3 months is still mind-blowing, as I feel like I just got settled into Newport News. My heart feels raw and is aching, struggling to believe that I can't mess up God's plan.

Soooo...when my friend Jenn asked me if I was interested in running a half marathon, I thought to myself, "I've got nothing to lose!" And so it began. My faith has definitely been tested in these past couple of weeks, and God is showing me that I need more endurance in trusting Him! I lack stamina in this area when I begin to believe that I have to make everything work! I figured the idea of training for a race ran (no pun intended) parallel with continually and constantly placing my life in His hands...it requires endurance that is still lacking! Just like in a race, when I'm so tired and weary... I must continually choose to put one foot in front of the other and TRUST that God will catch me when I fall. Here's to God teaching me to trust Him in ALL things, despite when I can't see the finish line!

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Attempt at Sleep

"Attempt at Sleep"

Thoughts roaming
Contradictions expound
Wheels turning
Questions abound

This way and that
A toss and a turn
This poem and a sigh
The heart still yearns.

Confusion

Spinning 'round
I continue to spin
Emotions blur
And hope lifts.

Grasping ground
I shakingly crawl
Logic strives
To gain a firm hold.

Fighting thoughts
I compete to breathe
Opinions fly
And spinning resumes.

Jumping off
I fly face down
Words pierce
To keep me.

Grasping wisdom
I pray to stand
Faith comes
And truth is clear.

Thunderstorm

More.
Rain on the window pane.
I lie here still.

Drip.
Drop.
Come harder.

Drown my thoughts.
Whisper me to sleep.

Pour.
Pour down.

Flood my mind to ease
Pain, Dying, and Death.

Awake still.

A roll of thunder.
Gentle roar.

Holidays come.
Amidst the breaking.

Love.
Surge of life.
Yet washes me away.

Fall.
Falling water.

Come morning.
The sun will rise,
But foggy thoughts remain.


December 10, 2008

Love

November 27, 2008

Today. A conversation with a gentle man whose heart runs deep. He told me that he knows he's dying, but he's known it his whole life. I wanted to argue with him and say he wasn't dying. But, the statement rung true to the depths of my soul. I didn't know how to respond and thankfully didn't feel the pressure to. I just sat there and looked him in his eyes. He told me that we often worry about the things in life that probably won't even happen, but the things we don't worry about in life will probably happen. He explained that even though he's worrying about his cancer, he will probably die from a heart attack instead. We went on to chat about the paradoxes of life...how one's worst event in life could turn into one's best event, how there is life in death, and how the cycle carries on. In this very instant, I felt the paradox, the beauty and sting of life...the joy that this man brought me through his life, but the sadness that this same man would bring me through his death. I realized then that the depth of love you allow yourself to feel for a person is the same depth of pain you are allowing yourself to experience later. If you're a chicken, you won't love deeply...it hurts too much, the pain is great. Love is for warriors. Warriors who believe the pain is worth it. This man is a warrior. He told me he was proud of me today and I weeped. I weep now. This man got to my heart, and so it is, I love him deeply. This explains the pain.

It Comes.

Years of worry. Years of anguish. Years of sorting out the unsorted. Believing I had been short-changed. But to change direction in my view, I find Him there. Amidst the array of events. I find rest, for He provided. Could I really ask for more? Yet I did, and He came through. I was never alone. Now, a grateful heart. Abundantly he gave. His presence I found. Pieces of joy in the midst of night. Little love notes in the sky. He was there. Words, signs, and songs. Some say coincidence. I say, Him. Guiding my way. A lamp. Yes. He showed up. Doubt surrounded. Faith came through. Through Him. I didn't have the strength. He carried. And the healing. It's coming. It's here. It surrounds me. I'm still walking through. Completion. Not yet. But, it comes.

Life

To worry. To fret.
It is a chore.
A burden we carry.

To smile. To laugh.
It is a relief.
A hope we believe.

To hug. To kiss.
It is a gift.
A healing to the sick.

To inhale. To exhale.
It is a life.
A part of His plan.

Jericho.

Six days. Six times...
Around Walls.
Appearance. Hopeless...
Around Walls.
Obedience. A promise...
Around Walls.
Seventh day. A shout...
Around Walls.
A trumpet. A defeat...
Around Walls.
A vision. A victory...
Around Walls.
Faith broke...
Through Walls.

Joshua 6:1-20

We all encounter them in our own life. Walls. Those gigantic things that seem to hinder us. We find walls in the middle of our way...whether walls we built around ourselves or one's we stumble upon...they show up. They seem so big and we wonder how we will ever get over such walls. But faith gives us the power to look beyond the walls and see that Christ can tear them down, even when we lack the strength and power to do so ourselves.

Let go.

Let go.
Two words encompass,
Fear and faith entwined.
To fear is doubt,
But faith is more.
The Promised Land awaits,
But one last look?
A glance is defeat
But forward is rest.
A tug of war,
All strength insists.
It's plan to shatter,
But Christ holds the grip.

Sometimes.

Sometimes we hold onto things we don't even know
We have no clue
Sometimes we fool ourselves to believe it's gone
We pretend it's true
Sometimes our hearts are tied and bound
We think we've let go
Sometimes we surrender everything
Little do we know
Sometimes we hold onto things we don't even know.

Yes.

A knock on the chambers of my heart
One glance in that direction. Frozen.
Knowing I must turn my gaze away
And return to the one who sits enthroned.
Wrestling with the enchantment of my desire.
Hesitating, I shift my eyes back to the King.
No. I am not disappointed at who I see.
He is enthroned with supreme wisdom and grace
And clothes me with garments of love.
In Him I find protection,
And in Him I am defended.
No need for fear and self-defense,
For here I find rest and peace.
Free from worry and angst,
My troubles are stilled,
And my load is light.
No need for control.
No need to prove myself.
For the King has already proclaimed, "Yes."
Yes, I am accepted.
Yes, I measure up.
Yes, she is adored and honored.
Yes, she is beauty.
Yes, she is fulfilled in love.
Yes, she has power and value.
Yes, she has significance and purpose.
She has freedom to be.
She has freedom to live.
I am her Sustainer, Victor, Provider, Everlasting Peace, Healer, Counselor, Defender, and Lover.
Need I say more?
She is spoken for.
Dare anyone speak that contradicts such truth?
For justice will be granted.
I delight in her smile and relax in her belief.
She is strong in me and will proclaim freedom to the captives.
I am her God and Master.
I am the Creator of all things and in her I live.
She is my beloved.
And in me she is secure.

Identity

Designed for this I was,
Though seldom I believe.
Dare I hope to want,
The raging thirst within?
A path marks my destiny,
Yet trust is what I lack.
To wander through the desert,
Blind with endless doubt.
The promise remains,
In Him I am complete.

Hush

Quietness. Laughter.
Free blessings of living.
A touch. A smile.
Bring comfort and warmth.
Tears. A memory.
Bittersweet gifts to the soul.
Gratitude. Tenderness.
To a life well-deserved.
Truth. A moment.
Whose command demands life.
Confusion. A call.
The battle is not mine.
Darkness. A setting sun.
Words spoken release light.
Peace. A hush.
His arms encompass me.

Small Faith

In conflict. Again.
An inner debate within the rumblings of my heart.
A question. Simply.
Yet stirs up love and hate, hope and fear.
A choice. Still.
Acceptance shows love, but betrayal in the midst.
Questions. Continue.
To deny bequeaths anger and diminished hope.
A belief. Possible.
To long for more, yet pregnant with doubt.
The storm. Ceases.
A ray of light from only one sun.
Faith. Small.
One step on water, He's guiding my way.

Blob

Sadness. A big blob.
Puddles on the floor.
Hope dismounted in disarray.
............................................
To find a hiding place
In the shelter of a friend's voice
Despite the brokenness on the floor.
............................................
Around me lay the pieces
Of frustration, anger, and pain.
Disjointed by fragments of love.
............................................
Wrestling with an angel
Pursuing answers in the midst
Believing yet shackled with bitterness.